She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
