remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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