I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
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