Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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