look no pants
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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