Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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