so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
