"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
