I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
