just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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