Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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