do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
