I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize