I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
