My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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