Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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