Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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