my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
