You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
thus making me awesome and them whores
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
