You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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