I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
