Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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