Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
