yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the day after is always just damage control
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Randomize
