I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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