Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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