i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
