I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
