3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
