Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
