He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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