...so i touched it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
