one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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