I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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