You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
