she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
