she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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