I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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