Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
