P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
