I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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