On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
