Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
