I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
