a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
