Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
