Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
