I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
