I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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