Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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