Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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