I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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