There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't deserve a penis
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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