I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
