I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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