I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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