I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
