I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize