I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
